When Roles Become Skin: Rediscovering Who You Are Outside What You Do

About 3 years ago, I was seeing a therapist (yes, therapists need therapy too), and there was one particular session that stuck with me during that season of my life. I was talking to my therapist about how I’ve felt the need to show up a certain way and have everything figured out because of my profession, and what she said f*cked with me; in a good way. She said, “You are Wendy, therapy is what you do, not who you are.” Now, at the time, I felt like I was smacked in the face, but it also felt obvious, like why hadn’t I realized this, and how different would my life have been if I had sooner? 

Lately, I’ve been seeing this pattern a lot in the clients I work with, my friends and family, the people I occasionally work with, acquaintances, and friends of friends. When I think about my work and why I’m really good at it, I think of how I’ve practically been in training for this my whole life. I was a ‘therapist’ before I knew what therapy was. In my family, I played the roles of The Mediator, The Problem Solver, The Peacemaker, and, to some extent, The Nurturer, which I see as a recipe for an informal ‘therapist’. 

There’s a psychiatrist called Dr. Murray Bowen who viewed the family as a complex emotional unit/system. He analyzed how family members impact one another’s functioning, behavior, thoughts, feelings, and actions. From these observations, he developed the family systems theory, which I’ll be borrowing from today to draw connections that help you understand the role you keep finding yourself playing.

The Roles We Grow Into

In most families, roles are not formally assigned; however, as the system and its dynamics evolve, needs arise, and we step into certain roles to respond to them. Depending on the family’s dynamic, these roles may be functional or dysfunctional with the ultimate goal of managing stress, reducing anxiety, meeting needs, and maintaining the emotional balance within the family system. Regardless of the type of family, there’s usually a degree of interdependence.

The roles we step into could be influenced by the family dynamics, socioeconomic factors, class, geographic location, culture, previous and current generations, etc. These elements also play a key part in the maintenance and fracturing of these roles. Our individual choices and personalities also impact these, sometimes conscious or unconscious, roles. 

Common Family Roles

1. The Peacemaker - this person reads emotional tension quickly, diffuses conflict, and creates harmony. Their blind spot is that they can be self-silencing, avoid confrontation even when needed, take responsibility for everyone’s feelings, etc.

2. The Joy Maker/Comic Relief/Mascots  - they bring comfort, lighten heavy situations, and bring safety through humor or warmth. Unfortunately, they can end up feeling like they can’t/aren’t allowed to express/feel sadness or anger, they use humor to deflect or mask pain, or become the ones who never crack.

3. The Problem-solver/Fixer - this person is practical, dependable, steps in when things fall apart, and is basically the reliable one. However, they may: struggle with overfunctioning, reduce their identity to usefulness, burn out, or struggle with asking for or receiving help.

4. The Caretaker/Nurturer - they have deep empathy, do a lot of emotional labor, and show up for everyone. Their blind spot is that they fill others’ cups until they’re empty, derive value from being needed, and feel guilty when they rest.

5. The Responsible One/Golden Child - this person is organized, reliable, and high-achieving. However, this often comes at the cost of perfectionism, pressure to never fail, difficulty admitting vulnerability or one's limit.

6. The Rebel/Challenger - they challenge norms, value authenticity, and disrupt unhealthy patterns. Their blind spot is that they may rebel even when unnecessary, struggle with authority, and can be misunderstood or labelled ‘difficult.’

7. The Invisible One/Quiet Observer - they are deep listeners, thoughtful, and perceptive, but can struggle with self-erasure, emotional withdrawal, believing they’re ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’ to take up space.

8. The Mediator - these people bridge relationships and understand multiple perspectives/sides. However, they tend to take on emotional burdens that aren’t theirs and become the default communicator for others.

9. The Protector/Defender - they’re loyal, courageous, and they advocate for the vulnerable. Unfortunately, they can end up being hypervigilant, have difficulty relaxing, and assume responsibility for others’ safety.

10. The Achiever/Performer - they’re motivated, inspiring, and hardworking but can struggle with: tying their self-worth to results, not ‘doing’, and the internal pressure to stay on top.

If you really dig deep, there can be so many more roles or a combination of different roles. Of course, not all roles always exist within a family, yet I’m sure if you go through that list, you could resonate with or point to someone who plays a certain role. However, context and nuance will always matter. This is just one lens to explain why we are the way we are and might not always be the answer for everyone.

A lot of the time, we look at these roles through a lens of dysfunction. Even so, these roles still exist in function families. The difference being rigidity and flexibility. In healthier/more functional systems, the roles are fluid, they’re not imposed, don’t define worth, and there’s reciprocity. 

The Roles Outside The Home

I could talk about this for days, but so that I keep your attention, let me get to the point. These roles we play don’t disappear once we leave the home; they often follow us into our friendships, romantic relationships, and even our careers. For example, caretakers may become people pleasers and struggle to prioritize themselves; the golden children/performers may set impossibly high standards for themselves and struggle with setbacks/mistakes; and the mascots may struggle with feeling like their voices are truly valued or taken seriously. 

Breaking the Pattern

Fortunately, these are patterns we’ve learned to grow with, and all patterns can be rewritten. When these roles are unconscious, they can be quite limiting. This is why awareness is the first step to changing everything. Once you notice the role you’ve been playing, you open yourself up to 3 choices: to keep it, change it, or put it down.

Families can thrive on the structure that these roles bring, but they thrive even more when there’s room for flexibility and growth within those roles. I’ve found myself reminding clients that the issue is not the role, rather, it’s how enmeshed that role has become with our identities, such that we don’t know who we are, or how to be/relate when we’re not the (insert your role here). 

Take some time to reflect on your role. If you journal, maybe try using these prompts:

• How did I contribute to my family’s dynamic? 

• What expectations were placed on me?

• What behaviors do I repeat automatically that reflect this role?

• What parts of myself do I hide to keep this role intact?

• If I wasn’t performing this role, who else might I be?

• What do I need more of that this role prevents me from receiving?

• How has this role shaped my relationships and self-perception?

Even if you don’t journal, you can try using these prompts to introspect. Having awareness isn’t about blame; it’s about understanding your part in this musical and deciding how you want to move forward. You could step out of the part entirely, or change your lines so they sound more like you. 

Changing often means making small adjustments to how you show up. You can still be the peacemaker without avoiding conflict, or the responsible one while sharing the load. Once you notice the role you’ve been playing, you can decide when it’s helpful and when it’s holding you back. Sometimes it can be as simple as saying “not today,” or waiting a bit before jumping in with a solution (give them a chance to solve it), letting someone comfort you without brushing it off, or letting a moment be awkward without cracking a joke to ease the tension. 

So, as I let you get back to your life, I wonder, and I invite you to wonder with me, what would it look like to loosen this role by 5% this week? Not a full overhaul, just the 5% micro-adjustment that is a challenge but also manageable. And then the next week, and the one after that, until it compounds and you start sustainably redefining this role. Until next time, stay tender, stay true, from one kindred soul to another.