You’re Communicating Wrong. Here's How You Can Fix It.

Can we be honest for just a second? How many times this week did you walk away from a conversation feeling…off?. Maybe your partner said something that stung more than it should have, maybe it's that work email that landed in your inbox and instantly made your shoulder tense up, or maybe you caught yourself snapping at someone you care about, then you spent the rest of the afternoon replaying the altercation in your mind.

Here’s the thing we all keep omitting – communication is not about exchanging information, it's about creating an avenue for connection and basking in those moments when we get it right. Imagine positive communication improves the quality of our relationships, our work lives, and our physical health. Who would’ve thought? Haha.

I come bearing good news. You don't need to become a completely different person to communicate better; you just need to be curious about hearing your partner better. And what goes hand in hand with curiosity is science-backed principles to dive into, which I’ll be sharing with you today. As you practice, remember consistency (not perfection) is key.

What Do We Mean When We Say Positive Communication?

I want to make this very clear: positive communication is not about being cheerful all the time, avoiding difficult conversations, or plastering a fake smile on your face when you are annoyed. Positive communication is about interacting in ways that build trust and respect and create psychological safety. 

Research from the Gottman Institute found that the ratio of positive to negative interactions in healthy relationships is about 5:1. That means that every relationship has 5 positive interactions and 1 negative interaction, and it's crucial, especially during conflict, to have this nugget at the back of your mind.

The Brain Science Behind Why This Matters

This is where things get fascinating. Let’s shift focus to how our brains internalise moments of communication in relationships for a second. When we speak to our partners with warmth and respect, our brains secrete oxytocin, the bonding hormone which promotes feelings of safety, openness, and willingness to collaborate.

However, if we speak harshly or dismissively, our amygdala, which is the brain’s centre of threat detection, resorts to fight, flight, freeze, flop, or fawn mode. In that active state, our prefrontal cortex is pushed to the side, and our ability to actively listen, reason, and empathize shuts down.

A study published in the Journal of Neuroscience found that social rejection from loved ones activates the same brain regions as physical pain.

How To Practice Positive Communication

Lead with curiosity, not assumptions: Something we all do is when we have conversations with our partners, we are quick to assume we know what they are thinking or feeling. Before assuming, I would like you to pause and lead with open-ended questions. Here are examples of my favourite questions:

• Help me understand what you are saying? 

• What's most important to you about this?

• Can you tell me more about this? 

Research from Harvard Business Review showed that people who asked more questions were perceived as more likable and trustworthy.

Name your experience without the blame: This is where we use the I statement when we are talking about our needs with our partners. And yes, I already know what you’re about to say, they sound very cliché; however, trust me, it does work. 

I want you to do an exercise for me. Think about the moment when you were bringing up a need with your partner, and think about their responses in line with these  statements: “you never listen to me,” and now let's go to the second statement, “I feel unheard when you interrupt me.” 

Let's break it down. The first statement puts your partner on the defensive and will likely lead them to shut down, whereas when we look at the second statement, you are inviting your partner to participate in your experience without attacking their character. 

Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication framework emphasizes this distinction when we describe our feelings and needs instead of diagnosing our partners, we create spaces for understanding instead of escalation.

Validate before you problem-solve: Here's a common pattern, your partners share their struggle, and you immediately jump into giving them solutions that isolate. Most of the time, our partners want us to create spaces for them to unburden, and for you to witness. 

Validation doesn't mean agreement; it helps us to acknowledge that our partner’s experiences are real. For example, you could say, “That sounds frustrating, and it makes sense for you to feel this way.” Extensive research has found that validation during conflict significantly reduced physiological stress responses in couples.

Pay attention to your non-verbals: I love telling couples that most of their conflicts are born due to the tone of their voice, and it's true; we mostly fight because our partner has used a tone of voice, a facial expression, and eye contact that sent a signal to us that all was not well. 

Albert Mehrabian found that emotional communication was 7% from words alone and the rest was conveyed through tone and body language. With this knowledge, it's important to note that before having a difficult conversation with your partner, check with your body, inquire about how different parts of your body communicate reassurance or rupture to your partner. In doing so, you are sending signals to your partner’s nervous system.

Repair when things go wrong: Here's a universal truth: we all mess up, we all say the wrong things, we all lose our tempers, we all send that text that immediately fills us with regret. With this in mind, what matters is not us chasing relational perfection, but us creating an ecosystem of repair that comes from acknowledging harm and being aware of our capacity. In conflict, you can ask for space, then regulate together and sit together after the tension has gone down, take the time to listen and speak.

You don't need to overhaul your entire communication style immediately; you have to be intentional about practicing one thing at a time. Small shifts, when practiced consistently, ultimately create change.

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FURTHER READING

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). "The Timing of Divorce: Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce Over a 14-Year Period." Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737-745.

Nozaki, Y., & Gross, J. J. Bridging supportive communication and interpersonal emotion regulation: An integrative review. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships

Edmondson, A. (1999). "Psychological Safety and Learning Behavior in Work Teams." Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350-385

Holt-Lunstad, J., et al. (2010). "Social Relationships and Mortality Risk." PLOS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.

Coan, J. A., et al. (2006). Lending a Hand: Social Regulation of the Neural Response to Threat. 

Greville-Harris, M., Hempel, R., Karl, A., Dieppe, P., & Lynch, T. R. (2016). The power of invalidating communication: Receiving invalidating feedback predicts threat-related emotional, physiological, and social responses. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology.

Goldring, M. R., Pinelli, F., Bolger, N., & Higgins, E. T. (2022). Shared reality can reduce stressor reactivity. Frontiers in Psychology.